Monday, May 9, 2011

Turtle Power: A Survey of Mutant Ninja Favortism

            More than a while ago, my brother introduced me to a guy that was the doing some construction for my dad. He was a tall, plain-speaking, country fellow in his fifties. He wore boots and jeans and a denim shirt. He wasn’t filthy but he was dusty from working hard all day. When he told me his name, he shook my hand firmly and gave the right size of a grin. He was pleasant enough to talk to, spoke in proverbs you’d heard a thousand times before but were still as true the first time they’d been uttered. When it was time to go, he said it was “nice to meet me,” told me I should “take care” and tipped his hat on the way out, just like a good ol’ boy ought to. He hopped in a Chevy that rumbled like a trusty old mare and set off into the evening sun.
            As I watched him pass on to the next village, I felt an elbow in my side. I looked up at my brother who had broken the trance. He was grinning and holding something out for me to look at. I saw it was a business card. Printed across the top was the name of the man I had just met. Below that was the name of the man’s company and his contact information. I looked up at my brother a little confused by the extent of his smile. He soaked in my bafflement for a few more seconds before he flipped the card. On a glossy white background, in neat green letters, the card read: “Home of the Mutant Ninja Hillbilly.”
            Apparently the entire meeting had been a long set-up to this punch-line of a slogan. My brother couldn’t resist, and I couldn’t blame him. Somehow I’d missed what Brokeback Mountain had been saying about cowboys being full of surprises. Or I was mistaken. I guess he wasn’t a cowboy after all. It was right there on the card in Times New Roman. He was a mutant ninja. When I looked back up to the horizon where he had dwindled, I found myself thinking, I wonder who his favorite turtle is. Naturally, the encounter led me and my brother into a debate over the ranking of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by order of popularity.
            And that’s my long set-up to a blog on the four ninja siblings. Since, I have conducted some research to find out which ninja turtle is the overall favorite. More than that, what does our turtle partiality say about us? I decided to conduct my study by putting out a poll on Facebook, but the only thing it taught me was that fans of TMNT don’t like to fill out polls. Instead, I started asking everyone I knew (and a few puzzled others) which of the four reptilian pugilists was their favorite. I followed that query up by giving the interviewees a chance to argue amongst each other and express, in terms as long or as short as they cared to, why they loved that turtle best. I aimed for 100 responses, figuring that was enough to be able to discern a pattern in the selection process. I think the tally might surprise some of you, but the tidbits I uncovered along the way are, in my opinion, the real points of interest. Let’s break down the results, turtle by turtle.

LEONARADO—Leonardo leads
Popularity Rank: 4th
Color: blue
Weapon: two katanas (swords)
Quote: “Turtles fight with honor!’”
Those who prefer the straight-laced leader of the group tend to cite his management and honor as the reasons for their partiality. They also, tend to give the most long-winded answers. One voter, for example, when asked why he liked Leonardo responded, “It’s a complicated social dynamic. I liked being Leonardo because I was tired of being the second pick. My older sister didn’t necessarily want to be Leonardo and in that way, for once, I got to be the blah blah blah.”
 He is considered the most technically skilled at ninjitsu because of his training ethics, and apparently the only turtle that thought he might have to actually kill something when he started packing two katanas as his weapons of choice. Like all the turtles, his greatest assets were also his biggest weaknesses. His sobriety and adherence to discipline meant a lack of spontaneity, and made him, at times, egregiously boring. So boring, in fact, he bored children right out of loving him. That’s why, out of 100 votes, Leonardo received only 7. These kids were probably the ones who took themselves seriously as hall-monitors. You know the type, standing rigidly at attention when they weren’t writing some kindergartener up for running instead of abusing their power like the rest of us to talk to their friends between periods or intimidate that kid who farted next to them on the bus. Either way, they’re a rare breed, but absolutely essential. Leonardo was the structure of the group, and I commend the kids who had the foresight to realize that honor and leadership were traits worthy of emulation. It was Leonardo that kept the other turtles focused, directed, and in fighting form. Besides, Splinter’s hairy ass wasn’t going to kiss itself.

RAPHAEL—Cool but crude
Popularity Rank: 3rd
Color: red
Weapon: two sais (three-pronged metal instrument)
Quote: “You’d better or else I’m gonna get sarcastic.”
Growing up, if you liked your mutant ninja with a little sass and wit, Raph was the turtle for you. He is the strongest fighter and the group bad-ass. He is officially the turtle who came closest to cussing on the cartoon (“What the shell?”). Raphael’s appeal is obvious—he’s tough and doesn’t take crap from anybody. He added a bit of drama and dimension to the group through his stubborn-headedness which invariably led to tiffs with Leo. Worth mentioning, Raphael is the number one second favorite turtle. Those who thought to pick a second favorite four out of five times chose Raph.
 His main drawback among those who cared to answer, was surprisingly not so much his arrogance, selfishness, or his ability to threaten team unity. It was his weapon choice. Though many voters gave choice of weapon as the reason for their favorite turtle, Raph was never selected on the basis of his. Thus it seems that the least popular weapon among ninja turtalists is the sai. And for good reason. It’s hard as hell to get the reach on a guy with a lazer rifle when you’re holding forks. You’d think the turtle most likely of ripping Krang out of his cockpit and smashing him on the floor would choose a weapon that didn’t look like a gardening tool (Krang was the brain that rode around in the belly of a robot which resembled Goonies’ Sloth wearing 3D glasses). Perhaps, that’s where Raph’s real beef with Leo lies—a bad case of weapon envy.

All hail Krang, Lord Pimp of Dimension X

DONATELLO—Does machines
Popularity Rank: 2nd
Color: purple
Weapon: bo (wooden staff)
Quote: “Well, simple. I determined the coefficient of energy measured in URMs, I triangulated the approximate location, then coordinated it with the grid.”
This was the big surprise for me. I don’t remember anybody who wanted to be Donatello when it came down to picking turtles. In fact, when my older sister, brother, and I would play, we pretended Shredder had captured Donatello, or worse, he was represented by a pillow. Colored by my childhood prejudices, I was startled to see Donatello in the number two spot, even if it was just barely so. Interestingly, there were few people who changed who they liked best from adolescence to adulthood, however, all of them converted from Michelangelo to Donatello. But why is that?
Donnie is undoubtedly the smartest turtle. You’d think the turtle who loved to tinker would be named after Renaissance inventor, Leonardo da Vinci, but I digress. Many are attracted to Donatello because of his stupendous talent with technology. I mean, he came out with some impressive stuff...some suspiciously impressive stuff. What’s Donatello’s story anyway? How’d he know so much about jet-propulsion technology without even cracking a book? With just a little trial and error in the sewer he discovered inter-dimensional atomic transportation. On top of it all, he pioneered knowledge that would humble humanity and have it reconfiguring its place in the universe as though he had washed the car, “Hey guys, I just finished the time-portal.” All while in his tender, teenage years, no less. For shame Einstein. Tesla, you putz. And where was he tapping his resources? Were we supposed to think that he had perused the local junkyard when he found the sophisticated computer components that kept every inch of the city under surveillance, or that he merely stumbled across the nuclear cores he needed to power his various time and space jumping technologies. I’m beginning to think Donatello was tangled up with Libyan terrorists.
Perhaps my favorite invention of his is the blimp. What better way to practice the art of stealth and discretion than flying a zeppelin over New York spray painted, undoubtedly by Michelangelo, with the word 'KOWABUNGA' (sadly, a misspelling of his own catchphrase, ‘Cowabunga’). Where did they park that monstrosity? Come to think of it, where did they store any of it? April’s apartment?
Despite his stunning aptitude for science, Donatello is the most hesitant fighter. He’ll get in there when he needs to, but he puts off fighting for as long as possible. He’s always the one trying to figure out the code to open the door while everyone else is bashing robots. Nevertheless, one of the top reasons Donnie fans chose him was because they thought he had the best weapon. I never thought about it, but he and Mikey were the only turtles that could really light into their enemies without eviscerating them. If you go back and watch the old cartoons you’ll notice that Leo and Raph basically only use their weapons to block or turn off conveyor belts that are feeding April O’Neil into industrial furnaces. Most of the damage they deal to anatomical opponents is with their own gnarled fists and feet. Donnie's extra reach in the video games didn’t hurt anybody’s opinion of him either.
It has to be pointed out that the Donatello of the movies is a different character altogether. Without much room for his far-fetched technical wizardry in a live-action plot, he was relegated to a sort of poor man’s Michelangelo, both spewing Mikey's typical pro-pizza blather. For the entirety of those who hailed Donatello above the other turtles, Hollywood’s rendition did little to influence their affection, other than a few who appreciated that he was voiced by Cory Feldman.

MICHELANGELO—A party dude
Popularity Rank: 1st
Color: orange
Weapon: nunchucks
Quote: “COWABUNGA!”
I can see network executives sitting around discussing the show after they bought it off of its original comic book creator, lavishing details on Michelangelo’s character:

“Let’s make this last one the lovable one.”
“Well, how do we do that?”
“We’ll just make him love all the things kids love these days.”
“Like what?”
“I dunno...skateboards, sunglasses, pizza, and...”
“Birthday parties!”
“Yeah. Nobody will look as good in a party hat as this guy!”

And you know what? It frekin’ worked. To this day, Michelangelo is the overall favorite turtle. Back during the heyday of TMNT, there was always more than one kid who wanted to be Michelangelo, whether on the playground or at the arcade. In a little kid way, he’s the quintessential partier. Mike liked to skateboard, he liked to wear shades, and somehow, between four turtles who subsisted off of nothing but the stuff, he loved pizza just a little bit more. And don’t tell me it was because he was the only turtle that was still growing. They were all stuck at 5’2”. I think pot is real reason for his munchies. It would also explain a general lack of focus, and his way with words, “Dude! It’s like...heavy!”
When most Mikey fans cast their votes, if they actually thought to give an explanation, their most common response was that they liked that he liked to party. No shit! It says it in the opening credits, “Michelangelo is a party dude.” Now, I will also disclose, that if I had taken this poll while we were all still kids, the results would be more lopsided in favor of the fun-loving turtle. Several people admitted to liking Mikey as kids, simply because everyone else did. Having had time to reflect on their poor choices they have since changed tastes in favor of Donatello. You can draw your own conclusions there about these so-called Donatello fans. Wishy-washy? Too cowardly to stand up for what they feel like on the inside? You tell me.

So here’s the exact number of votes:
Mike: 37 (We won!)
Don: 29 (Hmm...interesting.)
Raph: 27 (Aww man, you mean we’re more mainstream than Leonardo?)
Leo: 7 (No one understands honor.)

Let’s be honest, we were all a little bit stupid for loving the turtles. I still am. Go back and watch the cartoons. They’re terrible. The stilted animation, the hokey plotlines, the same regurgitated formulas (every episode ended with a bubble-gum wrapper punch line followed by a chorus of forced laughter). But they're also awesome. They tapped into a creative world of mutants that appealed to the enthusiasm of children. They outlined and color-coated one of the most iconic dynamics of 80s heroic culture. We can sit and argue which turtle is best, but in the end all of their personalities are stronger and benefit through the uniqueness of the others. Besides, it’s Raphael.

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